Confidence is Not the Key to Success: Challenging Outdated and Misleading Ideas about Confidence and Success

Hey everybody, it’s Jill here.

Have you ever been scared or anxious and shared it with someone whose response was, “Don’t be scared!”? Ugh.

When people say this, they mean well. For example, if you have an upcoming presentation and you say you’re anxious and your friend says, “don’t be anxious!” what they’re really saying is “you’re awesome, I believe in you, you’re going to crush it, there’s no reason to worry that it won’t go well!” But the problem is, you already feel anxious so telling you not to feel that way is ineffective and can have you feeling bad about feeling anxious.

What’s more, there is usually a very good reason for feeling the way you feel. If you’re nervous about a presentation, it’s likely because you care about doing it well and it’s challenging for you. Because fear can mean danger, we often interpret all fear as a sign to flee. But when you consider what keeps you up at night, it’s never that the McRib is no longer available even if its your favorite guilty pleasure.

We worry about the things that matter to us, especially those that also feel challenging.

So if you’re feeling nervous, scared, or worried and someone tells you “don’t be scared!” Tell yourself (and them, too, if you want!) Of course I’m scared. This matters to me. What I’m doing isn’t easy and I want to do it well so how I’m feeling makes sense.

My talks, books, and therapy/coaching sessions all revolve around this one thing—the idea that discomfort is not a sign something is wrong, it is a sign you are right where you are meant to be: at the intersection of caring and challenge. When we are willing to do hard things in the presence of fear and self-doubt, there is almost nothing we can’t accomplish. This, not confidence, is at the center of healthy risk-taking, courageous leadership, and success.

What is one thing you have been avoiding that you might be willing to move toward, even if you’re feeling scared?