Imposters By Design: How early experiences and evolution program us to encounter imposterism
Growing up, my mother called me ‘Tubby,’ ‘Little Tubbette,’ and ‘Tubby Tubby Two by Four,’ presumably to prevent baby fat from becoming adult fat which, predictably, had the opposite effect. Top grades and other get-into-a-good-college achievements were met with praise, but the principal yardstick for measuring my worth was how I looked. I would put on a skirt and gussy up my hair to get ready for an event and my mom would ask, “Aren’t you going to put a little blush on?” I always had a little blush on, I just never looked good enough.
Early life experiences.
As young people, we have a need to interpret and make sense of our experiences in a meaningful way. Efforts to do so result in the development of core beliefs or stories about ourselves, other people, the world, and the future (Young et al., 2003). Growing up with a highly critical mother resulted in the development of an I’m not good enough self-story—specifically, I’m not thin/pretty/acceptable/lovable enough. Imposterism is an offshoot of this story—the fear that at any moment the truth of one’s inadequacy will be revealed.
These stories develop early and stick. They mold themselves around whatever is going on in our lives. If your parents had high expectations of you but no matter what you did or how you did it you never quite seemed able to please them, you likely have an I’m not good enough story and struggle with imposterism too. So now you think about pursuing a professional goal and your inner voice reminds you you’re inadequate. Or maybe you’re winning your 10th award and still don’t feel like you’re enough because no amount of achieving or success can erase your early experiences and the narratives that developed as a result.
Frustratingly, the opposite can also be true: if you had parents who were over-praisers, you may experience the imposter phenomenon too. Perhaps you grew up in the 90’s during a time when all kids started getting participation trophies in the name of promoting self-esteem, and your parents hooted and hollered for even the most benign of your so-called accomplishments. You put on your own socks? WOOO HOOOO! You destroyed the remote control? I’M NOT EVEN MAD, YOU’RE DESTINED TO BE A BRILLIANT ENGINEER! This, too, can contribute to the development of self-doubt and imposterism because despite being young, a part of you still knew you didn’t deserve the praise. So now maybe you give an outstanding TED talk--like standing ovation brilliant--but dismiss any positive feedback as the audience “just being nice.”
Our early experiences obviously can’t be changed. And you’ve probably read a blog or two with titles like “5 Tips for Thinking Positive Thoughts” or “How to Believe in Yourself.” Much of pop psychology would have you believe that “The key to defeating imposterism is in changing your negative thoughts and believing in yourself as a professional!” Not quite. Unfortunately, old self-stories are pretty hard wired and tough to truly change. These narratives may be particularly entrenched because we were evolutionarily programmed to check our status within our tribe—being ousted was a death sentence for early humans, so we’ve evolved to stay on our toes when it comes to making sure we measure up.
So if we can’t change the narrative, what do we do when imposterism surfaces? Here’s what I know: there are no arrivals at I did it, I’m a legitimate professional with no doubts about my competence. There is only showing up to your work because doing so is important to you. The more something matters, the more you are apt to worry about being good at it. No matter how much praise you receive or how many goals you accomplish, you will not arrive at a place completely free of self-doubt or imposter feelings. Not even winning the Presidential Medal of Freedom will do the trick, no matter how many times you tell yourself if I could just achieve this one thing, then I would finally feel legitimate. There will always be something to trigger your self-doubt. Simply encountering another professional’s brilliant work can send you back to I’ll never be that good.
So you see, if your career matters to you and you want to be successful, you can’t escape these thoughts and feelings. In fact, as much as we’d like to believe the higher we climb the more likely we are to chase away our imposterism, moving up the ladder means higher expectations. In other words, the CEO is expected to know and do more than the mailroom clerk. Thus, the imposter voice often grows rather than shrinks with success.
The good news is there are ways to respond to your difficult thoughts and feelings so they don’t hold you back from going after the professional life you want. Stay tuned for my next blog where I will talk about how to do so.
Young, J.E., Klosko, J.S., and Weishaar, M.E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. New York: Guilford.
